Angel Alice

We found out we were pregnant at the end of march 2005, to our joy, 
we'd been trying for 9 months, it was our first pregnancy, exited, nervous, unbelievable news, our family & friends were so happy & supportive, its was fantastic, also my best friend was 4 weeks ahead of me, so we could share the joy together.

The pregnancy was straight forward as can be morning sickness & low lying placenta.
As i grew bigger we were revamping the whole house (had poor Nic up the Wall) for our new arrival & setting up our nursery, growing larger & finished work and on maternity leave we were sorting out bits & bobs before our new arrival,
i had my final scan at 34 weeks my placenta had moved & baby weighed 5lb 7oz all was well. 

My Best friend had hers, a beautiful baby girl Betsy, when i held her for the first time my baby bump was kicking her. 

All exited for our arrival.
We went to my midwife as usual on wednesday all was well & fine, baby kicking on thursday & friday, went off bed late friday evening & started in labour early saturday morning (put on my tens machine, as i wanted a natural delivery)
 called my mum who came round to our home, called my now husbands parents, to let them know were all off to hospital, baby's on its way.

We arrived at the hospital, my husband parents waited outside, 
and my mum & My now husband came in with me for my checks,
The 1st midwife came could not find a heart beat,
"don't worry, don't panic she says, baby's probably turned"
and goes off to get another midwife, the same again no heart beat,
i was in so much shock, this wasn't right, it must be a mistake, i was devested, words don't describe how i felt,
I don't remember much after this it was like a dream world, we all went for a scan to confirm this, all i can remember was my mums & husbands face, i have never saw so much sadness in people eyes, as they were trying to be strong for me. 
We were all taken to a special room, it was massive the size of a hotel, with a special cold room, for when the baby was delivered. 
the staff were fantastic & supportive.
8 gruelling & mentally hard hours later, on every drug under the sun to numb my heartache rather than my phisical pain (my natural delivery went out the window), and also after 4 attempts with an epidural (the last attempt "she is coming" i shouted was 10cms) with a normal as can be delivery, 
& one push, our first born baby daughter Alice Emma Crowder was born into this world sleeping on the 8th january 2006 
(with the cord around her neck twice), 
mum watched her being born,

I held her, our first child, our daughter 
and first grandaughter on both sides, 
my heart in bits & pieces,
She was so, so beautiful, she was gorgeous, she was perfect, but not alive, no cry's just so quiet, its the most heart breaking moment off my life, how could something so perfect, be so wrong???

My husband, our family & friends had precious time with Alice 
(me & nic also had time alone with her,
 when i could get out of bed as the epidural had now kicked in) 
we had her blessed & named, early hours she was taken away.

I was so, so empty,
 i was numb words cannot describe what it was like for me & my husband that night on the hospital ward, with no little baby girl, our world, our future GONE,
Watching all the expecting mums passing by was heartbreaking. 

We saw her one last time in the chaple room downstairs & said our goodbyes, me & nic, tina & jimmy (nic's mum & dad) and my mum & dad.
 I couldnt leave the room, i wanted to pick her up & run away with her.
my heart was broken.

We came home I cant remember much, funeral looming & so much support, i really couldn't believe how supportive everybody was,
It wasn't just her mummy & daddy hurting, it was also family & friends too, it hurts everybody. 

We never went to see Alice in the chaple of rest - as we didnt want a post mortem, we wanted her buried perfect, we just dropped of her burial clothes (shown in her pictures) 
i wanted just my pictures in my mind & memories of the time in the hospital,
scared incase she looked different. 
We picked up her blanket, baby grow (which now had on some of her blood) & her "hello World hat" 

the days passed - i still cant remember much - as i think back, i know of how much support we, i cant thank every one enough.

i was still expecting or feeling like, she'll be home soon,
feeling my tummy - which was now empty, 
i sat in her nursey a lot, on our rocking chair.
the feelings were so strange, empty & lost i suppose.

We buried our Angel Alice 8 days later, 
So many people at her graveside, so many flowers, pops read out a reading 
(on Alice's timeline)
don't remember any of that day at all, its a blur, think are popping back now.

7 weeks later we went for our debrief, going in expecting conclusion of cord accident what we had been told.

We found out she'd stopped growing at 34 weeks (my last scan), Even though i was at the midwife weekly for check ups (Urine,BP & to Measure My Bump), they didnt pick up on she had stopped growing from then,
& when i delivered her at 40 weeks, she weighed the same 5lb 7oz, for 6 weeks she struggled, survived and fought life in my womb and that friday night she passed away in a matter of hours while i slept,
dr's couldnt give a reason why, only she stopped growing due to placenta insufficiency. The only way the could have picked up on it was if i had weekly scans after the 34 week (& a graph plot would show she was not growing) - but the was no reason to do this as it was my first pregnancy.

It was like we'd been knocked back to the beginning to that day of the 8th january. 

It still haunts me all the what if's??

What if - we went the hospital after seeing the midwife, with pains on wednesday the 4th January?? 
(the midwife couldnt confirm if i was in slow labour & how was i supposed to know with it being my first baby).
What if - i had of noticed on Friday the 6th late night, 
the kicks had slowed down??

Was she even kicking? - i started to even doubt myself in so many ways.
So many what if's, buts & how's - but i can never change the outcome now.
my mind still drifts & thinks what if to this day.


We came home in total shock & disbelief, 

i needed, we needed to run/get away, we booked a last minute holiday to
Las Vegas - we needed somewhere busy to keep our minds busy.
5 days into the holiday my then boyfriend, booked us in the little white wedding chapel for a drive through wedding, that same day, an off the cuff thing, it was the most romantic & intimate thing ever, i was so scared of loosing him, and this made us so much stronger, such an array of emotions we were both going through, 

Were a team & we will always will be (Team Crowder).

8 weeks later my father "pops" passed away suddenly, we couldn't believe or handle any more grief & sadness, what a year & a bit its been for us all. 

(With Love My To Uncle Joe, Who We Also Sadly Lost Last Year, 
we've been told your looking after her in heaven - 
Thankyou for feeding her, her bottles xXx)

This is the first time ive been able to do anything like this, and tell my story how i feel, 

I sit writing this knowing my Daughter Alice, My Pops & My Uncle Joe,
 are watching over me & keeping us strong.

I will never forget this year, its been the worst & best time of my life.

What ive come to terms with all this, 
its times like this you know who your friends & family are,

We look to the new year (it Can't come quick enough)
 and our future together as a young married couple, 

Whatever the future holds...

Knowing we have very special Angels watching over us. 


I feel ive taken another step on the ladder, 


Thankyou For Listening, And Taking The Time To read My Story,

If you have more time
Please also read Alice's Timeline,
Of the Loss & Miscarriage of our twin babies...

And Now The Happy Event

Of Another Baby On The Way,

Alice Will Be A Heavenly Angel Big Sister.......

Please Also Come And Visit Mummy

On Facebook.com

Lyndsey Crowder (Liverpool, UK)

*´¨)
¸.· ´¸.·* ;¨)¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·'´ *Lynz*

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Please Also Visit :-


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