Pay attention to your dreams - God's angels often speak directly To our hearts when we are asleep.
~ Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994
Angel Star, Angel Star.
Angel star, angel star, I never wonder where you are. You’re an angel called to love, From the heavens up above. Angel star, angel star, Alice, you’re my angel star.
Angel star shining bright, Making all the darkness light. Angel star twinkling high, Sparkling diamond in the sky. Angel star, angel star, Alice, you’re my angel star.
When the warming sun is set, And my face with tears is wet, You guide me with your blazing light, Twinkling in my dreams at night. Angel star, Angel star, Amazing angel, angel star.
Angel star, angel star. Jesus cradles you in his arms. In the heavens, full of love; Singing with the choir above. Alice, you’re my angel star, Amazing angel, angel star.
Angel star, angel star, Mummy loves you, angel star; Forever held in my heart, Amazing angel, angel star. Angel star, angel star, Alice, you’re my angel star.
Copyright Maria Zollo 2006 All rights reserved
(Thankyou Maria xXx)
Alice Is a
Like Her Daddy..
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born, That something stopped my heart,
I felt each tender squeeze you gave, I loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold, It doesn’t mean I’m gone,
This world was worthy not of me, God chose that I move on,
I know the pain that drowns your soul, What you are forced to face,
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms, Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was “meant to be, God doesn’t make mistakes”
But that won’t soften your worst blow Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do, Another child you’ll bear,
Believe me when I say to you, That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you, When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips and Then you’ll understand.
Although I never breathed your air, Or gazed into your eyes,
That doesn’t mean I never “was”… An Angel Never Dies.
Thankyou To the
The death of a baby is like a stone cast Into the stillness of a quiet pool;
The concentric ripples Of despair sweep Out in all directions, Affecting many, many people.
--De Frain, 1991
(Thankyou Rachel's Mom xXx)
We have shared our tears and our sorrow,
We have given encouragement to each other,
Given hope for a brighter tomorrow,
We share the title of grieving mother
Some of us lost older daughters or sons,
Who we watched grow over the years,
Some have lost their babies
Before their lives begun,
But no matter the age, we cry the same tears.
We understand each others pain,
The bond we share is very strong,
With each other there is no need to explain,
The path we walk is hard and long.
Our children brought us together,
They didn't want us on this journey alone,
They knew we needed each other,
To survive the pain of them being gone.
So take my hand my friend,
We may stumble and fall along the way,
But we'll get up and try again,
Because together we can make it day by day.
We can give each other hope,
We'll create a place where we belong,
Together we will find ways to cope,
Because we are Angel Moms
And together we are strong!
(Thankyou Georgie xXx)
Crowder Twins Plaque...
They say memories are golden, well maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories, I only wanted you. A million times I needed you, a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died. In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place no one could ever fill. If tears could build a stairway and heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven and bring you back again. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same.
But as we are called one by one, the chain will link again.....
Thankyou To the
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today I asked "What makes a Mother?" And I know I heard him say A Mother has a baby This we know is true But, God, can you be a mother When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied With confidence in his voice I give many women babies When they leave it is not their choice Some I send for a lifetime And others for the day And some I send to feel your womb But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared his throat And then I saw a tear I wish I could show you What your child is doing today If you could see your child smile With other children and say "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear My mummy loved me so much I got to come straight here I feel so lucky to have a Mum who had so much love for me I learned my lessons very quickly My Mummy set me free.
I miss my Mummy oh so much But I visit her each day When she goes to sleep On her pillows where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek And whisper in her ear Mummy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one Your children are okay Your babies are here in My home And this is where they'll stay They'll wait for you with Me Until your lessons are through And on the day you come home they'll be at the gates for you
So now you see What makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart It's the love you had so much of Right from the very start Though some on earth May not realize Until their time is done Remember all the love you have And know that you are A Special Mum.
A Mother's Love I didn’t have to look into your eyes To fall in love with you two I didn’t have to hear either of you cry To know you both loved me too I didn’t need to hold your hands To cherish each of you always Within my womb we shared our hearts You both touched my soul You sweetened my spirit You gave me memories I’ll always Hold very dear Yes, my heart aches since You two departed so soon But a mother’s love does not End with death For you both are my children My love is forever yours
~ Author Unknown ~
I Am Still A Daughter....
I am a daughter, Perfectly formed, but still.
I was born with a name, Alice, A product of my parents genes, Their child. But I came without breath,
And so I am not counted. Or acknowledged Had I taken a breath or made a whimper, had a beating heart or moved a limb I would have been called a "baby"
To my mother I am her baby. It’s how she calls out to me when she cannot sleep, Pleading, imploring, asking, why.....?
Her love transcends time; our bond of life is not broken, I was here, flesh of her flesh, blood of her blood, And I will always be.... Her baby.
Two souls... joined for eternity.
Please Visit Alice's Legacy For Mummys Story, Our Crowder Twins, And Also Visit Her Timeline For Mummy's Pregnancy....
"My tears are watermarks Which imprint forever Sentient reminders of gentle hopes And dreams subdued. Extant in painful thought they are And sleep afar In caves of ancient echoes Wailing for my perished child Who now guised in angel's silk Sings madrigals of sweet delight And turns my tears heavenward To drift peacefully into the Forgiving canyons of winters night.
Memnon, the son of Eos, Goddess of Dawn, who mourned his death by weeping every morning"
Lots of love to your mum dad and little sister on this special day!
Always in our thoughts
Love from Nat Scott Liam Dec and Mia Rose...
Missing you x / Jonnie Westerside (Friend)
Happy birthday Alice. Miss u everyday. Taken from this place too soon to watch over Lyndsey Nic and lil sis Sidney Rose. Love u x x x x
8th January 2010 - 4th Birthday / Mummy, Daddy &. Sidney Rose
On 8th January 2006 at 11.45am Our First Born Daughter Alice Was Born Sleeping at 40 weeks Weighing 5Lb 7oz And was 19 inches long... we cant belive you should have been 4 today we Miss you more & more each day we Love You always Sweet Pea Mummy ...
Happy Birthday / Erin Frisby (friend)
thinking of you sweet girl xxxxxx
We found out we were pregnant at the end of march 2005, to our joy, we'd been trying for 9 months, it was our first pregnancy, exited, nervous, unbelievable news, our family & friends were so happy & supportive, its was fantastic, also my best friend was 4 weeks ahead of me, so we could share the joy together.
The pregnancy was straight forward as can be morning sickness & low lying placenta. As i grew bigger we were revamping the whole house (had poor Nic up the Wall) for our new arrival & setting up our nursery, growing larger & finished work and on maternity leave we were sorting out bits & bobs before our new arrival, i had my final scan at 34 weeks my placenta had moved & baby weighed 5lb 7oz all was well.
My Best friend had hers, a beautiful baby girl Betsy, when i held her for the first time my baby bump was kicking her.
All exited for our arrival. We went to my midwife as usual on wednesday all was well & fine, baby kicking on thursday & friday, went off bed late friday evening & started in labour early saturday morning (put on my tens machine, as i wanted a natural delivery) called my mum who came round to our home, called my now husbands parents, to let them know were all off to hospital, baby's on its way.
We arrived at the hospital, my husband parents waited outside, and my mum & My now husband came in with me for my checks, The 1st midwife came could not find a heart beat, "don't worry, don't panic she says, baby's probably turned" and goes off to get another midwife, the same again no heart beat, i was in so much shock, this wasn't right, it must be a mistake, i was devested, words don't describe how i felt, I don't remember much after this it was like a dream world, we all went for a scan to confirm this, all i can remember was my mums & husbands face, i have never saw so much sadness in people eyes, as they were trying to be strong for me. We were all taken to a special room, it was massive the size of a hotel, with a special cold room, for when the baby was delivered. the staff were fantastic & supportive. 8 gruelling & mentally hard hours later, on every drug under the sun to numb my heartache rather than my phisical pain (my natural delivery went out the window), and also after 4 attempts with an epidural (the last attempt "she is coming" i shouted was 10cms) with a normal as can be delivery, & one push, our first born baby daughter Alice Emma Crowder was born into this world sleeping on the 8th january 2006 (with the cord around her neck twice), mum watched her being born,
I held her, our first child, our daughter and first grandaughter on both sides, my heart in bits & pieces, She was so, so beautiful, she was gorgeous, she was perfect, but not alive, no cry's just so quiet, its the most heart breaking moment off my life, how could something so perfect, be so wrong???
My husband, our family & friends had precious time with Alice (me & nic also had time alone with her, when i could get out of bed as the epidural had now kicked in) we had her blessed & named, early hours she was taken away.
I was so, so empty, i was numb words cannot describe what it was like for me & my husband that night on the hospital ward, with no little baby girl, our world, our future GONE, Watching all the expecting mums passing by was heartbreaking.
We saw her one last time in the chaple room downstairs & said our goodbyes, me & nic, tina & jimmy (nic's mum & dad) and my mum & dad. I couldnt leave the room, i wanted to pick her up & run away with her. my heart was broken.
We came home I cant remember much, funeral looming & so much support, i really couldn't believe how supportive everybody was, It wasn't just her mummy & daddy hurting, it was also family & friends too, it hurts everybody.
We never went to see Alice in the chaple of rest - as we didnt want a post mortem, we wanted her buried perfect, we just dropped of her burial clothes (shown in her pictures) i wanted just my pictures in my mind & memories of the time in the hospital, scared incase she looked different. We picked up her blanket, baby grow (which now had on some of her blood) & her "hello World hat"
the days passed - i still cant remember much - as i think back, i know of how much support we, i cant thank every one enough.
i was still expecting or feeling like, she'll be home soon, feeling my tummy - which was now empty, i sat in her nursey a lot, on our rocking chair. the feelings were so strange, empty & lost i suppose.
We buried our Angel Alice 8 days later, So many people at her graveside, so many flowers, pops read out a reading (on Alice's timeline) don't remember any of that day at all, its a blur, think are popping back now.
7 weeks later we went for our debrief, going in expecting conclusion of cord accident what we had been told.
We found out she'd stopped growing at 34 weeks (my last scan), Even though i was at the midwife weekly for check ups (Urine,BP & to Measure My Bump), they didnt pick up on she had stopped growing from then, & when i delivered her at 40 weeks, she weighed the same 5lb 7oz, for 6 weeks she struggled, survived and fought life in my womb and that friday night she passed away in a matter of hours while i slept, dr's couldnt give a reason why, only she stopped growing due to placenta insufficiency. The only way the could have picked up on it was if i had weekly scans after the 34 week (& a graph plot would show she was not growing) - but the was no reason to do this as it was my first pregnancy.
It was like we'd been knocked back to the beginning to that day of the 8th january.
It still haunts me all the what if's??
What if - we went the hospital after seeing the midwife, with pains on wednesday the 4th January?? (the midwife couldnt confirm if i was in slow labour & how was i supposed to know with it being my first baby). What if - i had of noticed on Friday the 6th late night, the kicks had slowed down??
Was she even kicking? - i started to even doubt myself in so many ways. So many what if's, buts & how's - but i can never change the outcome now. my mind still drifts & thinks what if to this day.
We came home in total shock & disbelief,
i needed, we needed to run/get away, we booked a last minute holiday to Las Vegas - we needed somewhere busy to keep our minds busy. 5 days into the holiday my then boyfriend, booked us in the little white wedding chapel for a drive through wedding, that same day, an off the cuff thing, it was the most romantic & intimate thing ever, i was so scared of loosing him, and this made us so much stronger, such an array of emotions we were both going through,
Were a team & we will always will be (Team Crowder).
8 weeks later my father "pops" passed away suddenly, we couldn't believe or handle any more grief & sadness, what a year & a bit its been for us all.
(With Love My To Uncle Joe, Who We Also Sadly Lost Last Year, we've been told your looking after her in heaven - Thankyou for feeding her, her bottles xXx)
This is the first time ive been able to do anything like this, and tell my story how i feel,
I sit writing this knowing my Daughter Alice, My Pops & My Uncle Joe, are watching over me & keeping us strong.
I will never forget this year, its been the worst & best time of my life.
What ive come to terms with all this, its times like this you know who your friends & family are,
We look to the new year (it Can't come quick enough) and our future together as a young married couple,
Whatever the future holds...
Knowing we have very special Angels watching over us.
I feel ive taken another step on the ladder,
Thankyou For Listening, And Taking The Time To read My Story,
If you have more time Please also read Alice's Timeline, Of the Loss & Miscarriage of our twin babies...
Baby Loss Awareness PO BOX 13703, MUSSELBURGH. EH21 6WX email: email@example.com www.babyloss-awareness.org call: 07900 495436
Received with thanks from Lyndsey Crowder for the sale of Baby Loss Awareness Ribbon Pins during September/October 2006 The sum of: £300 All monies raised will be split equally between: ARC (Antenatal Results and Choices), Registered Charity No: 299770; Babyloss, a voluntary organisation www.babyloss.com; The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust, Registered Charity No: 1071811; The Miscarriage Association, Registered Charity No: 1076829; Sands, the stillbirth & neonatal death charity, Registered Charity No: 299679.
With Compliments Marion C. Currie, Campaign Co-ordinator. For and on behalf of Baby Loss Awareness.
Baby Loss Awareness is a collaboration between the following organisations: ARC (Antenatal Results and Choices), Registered Charity No: 299770; Babyloss, a voluntary organisation www.babyloss.com; The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust, Registered Charity No: 1071811; The Miscarriage Association, Registered Charity No: 1076829; Sands, the stillbirth & neonatal death charity, Registered Charity No: 299679. Donor Receipt 2007
"I met a lady in the meads, Full beautiful - a faery's child, Her hair was long, her foot was light, And her eyes were wild."" La Belle Dame Sans Merci"~John Keats 1819
*Angels For Hope Angels for Hope is a nonprofit organization that offers free crocheted angels for anyone in need of hope. We attach a small card with the angel to say to an injured or ill person, you are not alone, others do care, and you are in our thoughts and prayers. At your request we can let it be known that you requested the item. In addition to crocheted angels, we also offer butterflies and smiley faces* http://www.angelsforhope.org/